I am coming to realize that perhaps the biggest mistake I made in my infertility/miscarriage journey was not seeking out a support community. My version of support was reading the Stepping Stones newsletter (an infertility/loss newsletter put out by Bethany Christian Services) and spending a lot of time on the internet (never a good idea). It wasn’t until my husband and I attended a fertility conference that I had my first breakthrough in healing. I have often wondered if I would have fallen as deeply as I did had I surrounded myself with a better community of people who had walked that path before and/or were walking it with us. I am determined not to make that same mistake again.
Although I was told to stay off google (probably good, but impractical advice at the moment), I decided to try some ‘productive googling’ – not to research all known heart defects and begin my own analysis based on zero information from the doctor, but rather to seek out information simply on what to expect at my fetal ECHO tomorrow…to perhaps connect with someone who has been there before. In doing so I came across an amazing blog about a family with two toddlers, the second of which is a ‘heart baby’ as I’m learning these precious children are called (http://preciousmason.blogspot.com/). It was very encouraging to read of the strength and faith of this family through the honest account of their difficult struggle. I let the mother know of our story and how her blog had encouraged me that day. The next thing I knew, I experienced the most amazing outpouring of love and support I could have ever imagined. Comment after comment on my blog from mommies who have walked (are walking) this path. As I sat on the couch last night, I soaked in their support, read their stories, cried for their losses, and was strengthened by their faith. To each and every one of these ladies – thank you. There are no words to describe the peace that you each have given me during an incredibly difficult time.
I was so happy that I was able to fall asleep relatively easily last night (something that has been incredibly difficult for me lately)…but after my daughter woke up crying around 3:30 am, I was finding it difficult to go back to sleep. I sat and prayed…prayed for a miracle, prayed for continued peace, prayed for the doctor’s wisdom at our appointment today, and I prayed for my husband – who often leaves himself out of our nightly prayers together. As I exhausted all of the words I could pray, I was overwhelmed with the verse that talks about how God is able to do immeasurably more that we can ask for or imagine. I grabbed my iPod wishing to read the entire context of the verse.
“For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.”
There was only one thing I could think of doing at that moment – I went downstairs, copied the passage into Pages (yes, we have a Mac and not a PC), printed it and taped it to my bathroom mirror. I returned to bed and the part about God being able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine rang over and over in my mind. I couldn’t think of anything else, I couldn’t contemplate all of the questions I had been thinking of lately, I could not bring myself to think of any other phrase. I know this passage is meant for me at this time. I do not know how God will accomplish this (whether it is in an obvious miracle today or something altogether different and much further in our journey), but I do know that he can and will accomplish great things through our struggle beyond what we can ask for or imagine. I am holding to that promise as I make it through the long hours until our appointment today (3 pm) and thereafter.