Yesterday we had a guest speaker who put into words so much of what I have gone through over the last decade. Here is the video:
As I sat listening to the ways people perceive God I thought what a great job he was doing outlining the passage, pulling so much out of so few lines of text and having it be so accurate (not embellishing, stretching it to fit), etc. I wondered what he was going to say about the “Aaron Frick” perception and when he got to it I was in awe. God is a…Manipulator. You mean I’m not the only one? Oh how I had struggled with that for so long. I felt with all of my being that God was truly the ‘great manipulator’ and here He was toying with me for whatever reason (none were good enough to justify my circumstances) and I was just supposed to accept it because after all, He’s God and it’s supposed to be for my ‘good’, right? Even that thought made me sick at one point in my life. I was so angry with God. I didn’t care His reasons. I didn’t care if the losses of my two children were for His Glory. Oh the things I could have said (and certainly thought, even if briefly) surely would have sent me straight to Hell if not for the mercy of God. I basically thought He could take His glory and shove it, I wanted my children back (pausing while looking around for lighting). I’m looking back at my attitude and am in awe that God didn’t strike me dead so that He could have a ‘face to face’ conversation with His stubborn wayward child. Back to the sermon, though. Next Aaron goes into how the blind man perceived God and how if we genuinely know that God saved us from the pit of Hell; if we genuinely have given our lives to Him and trusted Him as our Lord and Savior, then who are we to question His motives regarding ANYTHING He does in our lives. God saved me from the Hell but He won’t give me children so I’m angry and no longer trust Him. God saved me from eternal suffering in Hell, but He gave and took away two children so I’m going to choose to hate Him for right now, turn away and ignore every other positive thing He’s done in my life. Honestly, it seems so simple looking back. I can see it now, but I did not see it then.
God has, in numerous and varying ways over the last 5 years, restored me to Him, changed my perspective, shown me that He is always and forever GOOD despite my terrible rotten attitude. Yesterday was another look into how I fell so far away (believing God to be a manipulator instead of the loving Lord of my life) and put into words the things that I have been learning as God has been restoring me to Himself. It’s hard for me to put all of those things into words (but I try through things like this blog) and it is nice when someone else so clearly spells something out for me, to provide yet another ‘ah ha’ moment as I untangle what happened to cause that little girl so full of faith to have fallen so far the first time she was asked to truly put her faith in what she couldn’t see/control.
And like only God can, He gave Aaron (or our worship Pastor Jared) the perfect song to end with…